Monday, October 23, 2006

I found God on a run two days ago

I wanted to write a song about this but it didn't work at all. I do have one that's been waiting to be posted here for several weeks but I'm just getting lazy about it. Anyhow, back to the point.

Down on the Los Gatos Creek Trail, I wussed out on the run and stopped at the boundary of the big park and turned around and started walking.

I tend to run in the evening and the sun was getting to me. My legs were too tired for how long I'd been out there. I was thinking about walking backwards, and running backwards, and how much less jarring it was on my knees, and how according to the Slashdot hordes builders of bipedal robots had an easier time if they made the knees bend forwards.

The previous night I'd seen Richard Dawkins on the Internet (insert tangent about how the Internet gives copyright infringers the ability to provide ord'nary yokels like myself the ability to play with the timing of media delivery (aaargh I HATE using the word media like that but the only other words I can think of are "entertainment", which isn't accurate, and "content", which I also don't like) and its implications for the long-tail and for the death of water-cooler culture), decrying the notion that evolution was random and calling natural selection a highly directed process. Richard Dawkins, who now that I've seen him on a Colbert episode of unkown vintage I seem to see everywhere, is sometimes billed as the "world's most famous atheist" (which is probably not literally true, though his atheism is probably the world's most famous atheism) and wrote a book called The God Delusion.

But if natural selection is so damn directed, how come after millions of years of it I'm still running with knees that bend the wrong way? Simple: God did it.

Before people started building shit all over the place there were lots of hills, and people had to walk really long distances over them. You can walk up and down hills. It's much less jarring to go uphill with knees that bend backwards. And much less jarring to go downhill with knees that bend forwards. God wanted us to figure that shit out, but we were too dumb; we walked forwards everywhere and made knee surgeons rich. We have eyes in the front of our heads because we were meant always to be looking up the hills for falling rocks, and also so that when walking backwards down hills we would do so at a prudent speed because we couldn't see very well.

And then He appeared before me, as my eyes drifted out of focus, as I sat on a rock, and the sky split open, and out poured a mammoth pirate ship sailing on a sea of delicious marinara. The temperature dropped, like, five kelvin at that point, all over the world. It was trippy. (this paragraph is verbatim from the only part of the aborted song attempt that really worked)

I wandered around the path for a while after that just staring at the beautiful reservoir and park benches and happy little trees and dogs and dogs and people and then eventually decided to run back as fast as I could. Then I remembered that there were these little fitness stations in the last mile, so I stopped to do those as I passed by. The first one was this awesome diagonal bar that you're supposed to grip at "a challenging height" and vault yourself over with your legs extended out straight. This might be easy for normal people (the chick on the diagram sure made it look easy at least), but I'm a distance runner so it was really hard. This apparatus, being along this section of the trail, is also right behind someone's backyard (IPP-style... IPP REPRAZENT! The IPP has a much better surface though. OMG IPP MEMORY LANE this one time I ran west down the IPP and a bird flew after me and almost hit me on the head, then on the way back east I passed by this blond girl going west who warned me that she almost just got hit on the head by a bird but I don't process things very quickly when I'm running so I just kept on going but this time I was at the end of the run and tired, and I couldn't escape the bird, who gave me a good solid knock to the head), so they could probably make really funny videos of uncoordinated distance runners trying to use this device and then send 'em to YouTube.

So, then, which way do God's knees bend? Trick question, the dude has no knees. He drives his Hummer everywhere. It's like an extension of his noodly appendage.

[Most of this is blatantly ripped off of ye olde Venganza, except for that IPP crap]


Danielle said...

Hehehe, I was wondering for a while which God it was that you had found :-)

I always thought the squirrels in C-U were going to attack me.

Aaron said...

You were attacked by a bird? Hardcore.