Hydrants

“Dude, quit messing with that fire hydrant, there's a cop like right there!”

“Alright, man, chill.”

“What?!? Seriously, stop messing with it, we're gonna miss the start of the game!”

“Man, fire hydrants are yellow.”

“What?!?”

“This is green.”

“What?!?”

“It's a municipal beer tap.”

“What?!?”

“This is what you get for not following local politics.”

“What?!?”

“So I just gotta... oh, crap, did I leave my hose adapter at that block party?”

“What?!?”

“Yeah, it was funny, I just ran into it on my way home —”

“— That's not funny, dude, you should have stopped, someone could have died.”

“Ha, ha, I have this guy's phone number but I can't remember his name. Awk-ward! He was obsessed with Sound Transit. Not super for it or against it or anything, just obsessed.”

“Yeah, that's what you get for following local politics.”

“So I guess I have to text this guy but not say his name.”

“Maybe distract him with a question about mass transit governance.”

“Ugh, anyway, I'll worry about that later, we're gonna miss the start of the game.”

“So what sort of beer comes out of these things anyway?”

“They're currently rotating through some sours.”

“I guess they had to find some place for all that sour beer when 2015 ended two years ago.”

“Uh, sours are still a thing.”

“OK, sure, so the proper joke would have been, ‘What do you get when you put literally any beer in an underground tank and wait for some weirdo to come along with a beer hose?’”

“People don't talk about them like they've discovered something new anymore, which, let's be honest, by 2015 would have been shamefully late for any set of yuppies outside tech, but yeah, they're on track to blow up in the mainstream in 2018.”

“Ugh.”

“So, uh, remember that when your parents call you sloppy drunk from their vacation to Kansas City, Kansas next summer at four in the afternoon and ask if they have sour beers in Seattle, because you're somehow the coolest person they know.”

“I mean, my parents are teetotalers, but you're still the worst.”

“If you don't like sours there's a special election in March. It's the municipal beer tap selection... what color to paint the Space Needle... and the primary for City Council position ten or something.”

“Why does everything have to be the worst?”